How can I accept myslef? Am i good enough? Will they like me? Why cant i look like that? Do i fit in? How can i make them accept me? Will they let me sit with them? Am i fat? Am i pretty? 

     These are all questions that i have struggled with for years, and i cant even lie, sometimes, i still do! We are human, we are all subject to feelings and opinions. It took me time to realize everybody is unique and now i quite love the idea of being different. Let me start from the beginning, way back. I want to share my honest and personal thoughts because i want you to know you are beautiful, loved, and accepted just the way you are, right now. So i grew up in a home, a beautiful, quaint home that i loved and i still love. It was only my mother and i because my parents got a divorce before i even turned one. My life as i knew it was split up between the two of them but for some reason i couldn't find comfort in going to my dads house. I loved him, i really did but he got remarried and his new wife had her own children and i just simply felt left out. I've always had this feeling deep inside me that i wasn't accepted, i hate that about myself because its crap, but i've learned how to combat that thought once i feel it coming on, because honestly, i still feel it today! 

     As a young child i felt left out, even in school i was always so shy i could not connect with a lot of my classmates. Some people are just introverted, and that's me! I always so badly wanted to be extroverted but ive come to realize you are either one or the other and that just how you are made, you cant change that. Surly, you can try but in the end you will just be hindering your god given asset. If you look at it in a positive light, it is a god given asset, both of them because it is part of the whole that makes you, well you! A lot of the times i think people assume that introverted people have to personality and lack the ability to be outgoing. BOY is that wrong! I'm 100% sure any of my friends or family that honestly know me would tell you my personality is larger than life but for my personal being, i have to get to know you first and once i feel comfortable around you, I will show you my whole self. Struggling with feeling of not being accepted at such a young age really bothered me, it took a toll on me because in the long run i realized i was spending so much time and energy on trying to become somebody i was not just so those popular girls would notice me. Even if they did the fact of the matter is, if you have to alter yourself in any way possible to be accepted by people, that's crap! You want to find people who will love you for you, as cheesy as that sounds it is so true! 

     I stopped going over my dads house because i could sense that i wasn't really wanted there, i knew that i didn't really have a true place there. It wasn't really a hard decision for me at first because it provided me with relief. The part that came soon after was the upsetting part. My dad, after that, never contacted me...not for a birthday, not to check up, not for Christmas..nothing, for over 10 YEARS! That to me was the hardest aspect of my childhood because yes one day i did tell him...hey, i want to stay at moms house because i don't feel accepted or wanted here, but still any father would at least contact his daughter! Right? Anyways, going through those ten years i experienced so many emotions, all the time. I asked myself so many questions. Why doesn't he love me? Why doesn't he want me? Why can't i be good enough for him? Why do his wife's children mean more to him than his own daughter? Doesn't he care? Doesn't he want to see his baby girl? 

     I believe instances in our life can cause us to feel these feelings. Maybe you were bullied so now you ask yourself if your good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough. Maybe you were abused so now you always ask yourself if your doing something wrong, or if you should change the way your feeling. Whatever it may be, just know, its okay to have those feelings. Like i said,we are only human. Sometimes i think its better to actually let ourselves feel than to let ourselves hold it in. Let those experience be the reason to take control of your feelings and your life. Know you can change your out look and perspective.

     This is how i did it...i took complete and total charge of the situation. I knew most of my acceptance issues were coming from this one problem and i wasn't going to let the uncertainty of it rule my life any longer. One day i went to my dad and i told him how i felt. I asked him why, i asked him if he cared for me or loved me. I asked him if i was valuable to him. I asked him to explain his reasoning. The reaction i got was...honestly...heart wrenching. That's okay though, sometimes when we conquer out fears we won't get the most amazing outcome we are hoping for but that's life. Keep going and i promise you will feel better with time and the actual fact that you had the nerve to stand up to it, will bring you so much peace. 


     When i went to my dad he basically acted completely unresponsive and basically really mean. After we both cooled down and with the surprising help of his wife, he began to slowly, and i mean slowly open up his heart, kinda. I realize he is the type of person who is just closed because he protects himself. I believe there is a little bit of that in all of us though. I'm sure i deeply hurt him when i was eight years old telling him i didn't want to go over his house anymore. That wasn't my intentions but i can understand that pain now. That's like all of us though right, we cant realize our actions in the moment but later when we reflect we can see other people point of view. 

    Here's what I'm trying to show you. You don't have to be accepted by anybody but yourself. Don't think about whether certain people will approve or be happy for you. Please, do what you love, this is ultimately your life. You need to give yourself the freedom to be unique, there is only one of you in the world and the world may not know it yet but they are lucky to have you! Accepting yourself comes from within. The readiness to plunge into life will take your thoughts away. You will realize you only have one chance at life to make yours what you want. Do something you love because then you will always love what you do! If you always love what you do, you will always feel accepted because you will be in a place of pure bliss where you don't need anybody elses acceptance. I know it is easier said than done, believe me, i know that. Please take my advice though and next time your are facing yourself with questions and fears, just remember you are in control! You have the power to make this life a great one, Think about it, in the end, when your all old and gray, coming towardse your last days, will those skinny, beautiful, popular girls in your 7th grade gym class really matter? NO! You will be thinking and reflecting upon your life, remembering the things you have done and the things you have seen, the ones you love and the things you love. If you focus your life upon something positive and uplifting surrounding yourself by passion, you will come to see you that, darling you need nothing else but yourself too let you believe that you are indeed ACCEPTED!